Database Relations Before Human Relations

Content Transgirl Source Engine TransgiriSource Fun TF2 fact: there is a Jpg of a coconut in the files, a dev note reads: "I have no fucking idea who put this here, but when I deleted it the game wouldn't start. Words cannot describe my fucking confusion.

Content Dhanush N DhanushXen HTML - for structure CSS - for style Javascript - for fun React - for work C - for dinosaurs C-for college Swift - for UI Ruby - for rails Query - for legacy Python - for science Typescript - for safety Java - for 3 billion devices 8:29 AM 02 Jul 21 ZIappo.com 603 Retweets 58 Quote Tweets 3,062 Likes 17 ProdrammerHumor.io

Content 541 542 543 544 545 546 547 548 549 550 551 552 553 554 555 556 557 558 559 560 561 562 563 564 565 566 567 568 569 570 571 572 573 574 !-- todo: put this in a different file!!! script function authenticateUser (username, password) var accounts apiService. sql( "SELECT FROM users" for (var i 0; 1 accounts. length; 14) var account accounts i; if (account. username - username 8 account. password password) return true; if ("true" "true") return false; ( 'login') .click(function() var username ("username") . val () ; var password ("password") . val(); var authenticated authenticateUser (username, password); if (authenticated true) . cookiel 'loggedin', 'yes' expires: 1 ); else if (authenticated false) ("errormessage") . show); script

The look of pure existential dread on the senior dev's face says everything. That "hypothetical" question is the database equivalent of asking "how do I put out this fire that I definitely didn't start?" Running an UPDATE without a WHERE clause is like performing surgery with a chainsaw - technically it works, but now everything's broken. The junior just casually dropped a production database nuke while trying to sound innocent. Every DBA just felt a disturbance in the force reading this. Hope they have backups... they DO have backups, right?

OMG, the IT department has LOST THEIR MINDS! They've stacked every network switch in the building into this absolute MONSTROSITY of a Christmas tree! The colorful ethernet cables are like garland, the star screensaver is the cherry on top, and the whole thing is one trip away from the most CATASTROPHIC network outage in history! Meanwhile, Santa's over here writing SQL queries to determine who's been naughty or nice. Honestly, this is what happens when you give network engineers holiday spirit and zero supervision. The database admin is probably having HEART PALPITATIONS right now!

Junior dev casually announces they're about to nuke the backend and database at 9:40 AM like they're ordering coffee. Boss tries calling—ignored. Then comes the classic "Deploy*" with an asterisk that screams "I meant destroy but autocorrect saved literally nothing." Followed by "Apologies" and desperate pleas to just pick up the phone and take the day off. The junior's response? "Don't worry. It was a typo." Yeah, sure it was. Boss knows better and insists anyway because some typos cost six figures and a weekend. That asterisk is doing more heavy lifting than the entire CI/CD pipeline. One character difference between shipping features and shipping your career to the unemployment office.