What My Company Thinks I Do

Content TECH techicornstartup tychycorn Everybody wanna work in tech. Nobody wanna put in the 20 hoursweek for 200Kyear 6:26 AM 71222 Twitter for iPhone

Content Google microsoft killed microsoft killed rare microsoft killed skype microsoft killed minecraft microsoft killed nokia microsoft killed netscape

Congratulations! You've achieved peak programmer efficiency by making your broken code run 0.002% faster. The compiler might be screaming, the logic might be completely backward, and your future self will definitely curse your name—but hey, that apostrophe optimization is something to put on your resume. "Debugged code? No. Made wrong code slightly more efficient at being wrong? Absolutely."

Content SPIRITUAL: we neither know where we came from nor where we go PROGRAMMERS ON THIS SUB: we neither know where we are importing from nor where we are returning to

Content ?php header ("Content-type: texthtml; charsetutf-8"); This is a warning to any poor soul who may have to deal with this code. I took over this criminal piece of chaos from a monkey named Joel who I assume had been given a typewriter by Mephistopheles himself. For reasons I have yet been unable to fathom, he decided to patch together this thing using a BaseX setup hardwired into an unfixably broken Manjaro VM, queried by a handwritten plate of uncommented PHP spaghetti fit to feed an army of people with a serious death wish, without any framework or CMS. The very long BaseX script, very long PH presenter and very long XSLT stylesheet mostly perform the same heuristic document structuring for different components and are supposed to produce compatible results, but I bet they have mismatches somewhere. Since Prof. T just wanted a few small functional enhancements, I decided to just patch it and keep the general setup. Unless you were hired to correct some spelling mistakes, DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY STEPS. Putting up with this simulation of how a goldfish would design a system has literally given me CLINICAL DEPRESSION. This is not an exaggeration, I am writing this after a prolonged medical therapy - mostly successful, thanks for asking, but not fun. I wouldn't wish this code on anybody who isn't a manager at Oracle or Facebook, and therefore give you this sincere advice: Nuke this. Take the XSLT if you must, and then nuke the app and recreate it in Django or whatever works for you. I would do it myself, but I risked a relapse simply by opening this file again to write this comment. Dear brother or sister, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and hope it will be enough. Farewell. error reporting(E ALL); ini set ("displayerrors", true); printi'7xml version"1.0" encoding "UTF-8" 7'. "In"):?

This masterpiece of JavaScript absurdity is what happens when you code at 3 AM and think you're a genius. The nested "confirm" and "continue" statements lead to the profound instruction to "Touch class['grass']" – basically the code equivalent of telling someone to go outside and reconnect with reality. And if that fails? Just "throw this 'owo'" because nothing says "professional developer" like anime emoticons in your error handling. Google recruitment team, if you're reading this, clearly you've found your next senior architect.