Do Not Try This At Office

Content Casey Newton CaseyNewton Here it is: Twitter engineers were told today to print out their last 30 to 60 days of code, so they could show it to Elon Musk himself. Then they were told wait, no, actually, please shred all that code you just printed out. Out of touch non-tech companies UPLOAD TO LIVE SITE WITH FTP NO UNIT TESTING THANK GOODNESS HE'S DRAWN ATTENTION AWAY FROM MY SHIRT.

Oh. My. God. The DRAMA between DBAs and developers is sending me! 💀 Developer: "I'll just grab EVERYTHING with SELECT * and sort it out later!" DBA: *literally PUSHING the developer toward a cliff* "SPECIFIC COLUMNS ONLY YOU MONSTER!!!" And this, children, is why your database queries take 8 years to run. The SELECT * wildcard is basically asking the database to hand over its entire life story when all you needed was its name and phone number. Performance? Never heard of her!

Content OUR PROJECT WAS LATE. SO THEY HIRED A PROJECT MANAGER. DID THAT HELPS NOW WE SPEND 20 OF OUR TIME IN MEETINGS.

THE AUDACITY of programming tutorials making it look so easy! There you are, thinking you're about to become the next tech billionaire, and suddenly your screen is SCREAMING at you about undefined variables and missing semicolons! The Matrix reference is just *chef's kiss* because instead of seeing glorious green code raining down like Neo, all you see is that soul-crushing traceback error telling you your precious 'hello_world' doesn't even exist. HONEY, THAT'S NOT JUST AN ERROR MESSAGE—THAT'S YOUR DREAMS CRUMBLING IN REAL TIME! Welcome to programming, where your first relationship is with Stack Overflow and your best friend is the red squiggly line!

Normal humans click YouTube links with the carefree abandon of someone who's never heard of tracking algorithms. Meanwhile, programmers are over here performing digital forensics before every click, paranoid that the recommendation algorithm is secretly building a psychological profile. The incognito tab isn't just a browser feature—it's our tinfoil hat against the machine learning overlords. Because nothing says "professional paranoia" like treating a cat video recommendation like a potential security breach.

Content Tell me a joke Ok, here you go: Have you ever tried to eat a clock? 15:31 no OK