Developer archetypes Memes

It's the classic RPG character selection screen, but for the coding world's various tribes! Top-left: The "Corporate Legacy" build. Internet Explorer, Windows Server 2003, and .NET. Your special ability is maintaining ancient systems nobody else wants to touch while drinking coffee from a mug that says "I fixed it." Top-right: The "Digital Freedom Fighter" class. Linux, Tor, Monero, and a mandatory Richard Stallman shrine. You refuse to use proprietary software and have a 4-hour speech prepared on why everyone should compile their own kernel. Bottom-left: The "Silicon Valley Hipster" build. HTML5, JavaScript, and a MacBook purchased with your startup's seed money. Special abilities include drinking $8 artisanal coffee while explaining why your framework is better than the one released last week. Bottom-right: The "Hardcore Basement Dweller" spec. Arch Linux, energy drinks, and 4chan's technology board as your homepage. You started coding at 12 and now make 300 commits daily, mostly to projects nobody understands but everyone secretly fears. Choose wisely. Your IDE preferences and caffeine dependency depend on it.

It's the RPG character selection screen nobody asked for but everyone secretly relates to! Choose your programmer archetype: Top left: The Corporate Legacy Warrior - Internet Explorer, Windows Server 2003, and .NET. You've got job security until those legacy systems finally die (which might be never). Top right: The Privacy Paladin - C programming, GNU/Linux, ThinkPads, and Tor. You probably have a Richard Stallman shrine and whisper "proprietary software is theft" in your sleep. Bottom left: The Hipster Bard - HTML5, JS, Apple, Electron, and of course, the mandatory Starbucks coffee. Your apps are bloated but your Instagram is fire. Bottom right: The Hardcore Wizard - Arch Linux, Monster Energy, mechanical keyboards, and 300 commits per day. You've been coding since 12 and think sleep is optional. The real question isn't which class you are, but which one you'll admit to being in public.

Ah, the seven deadly archetypes of every engineering team. I've worked with all of these people, and I've been all these people—sometimes in the same sprint. My personal favorite is "The Silent Operator" who hasn't spoken since the company holiday party of 2019 but somehow commits the exact fix at 2 AM while everyone else is arguing in Slack. And don't get me started on "The System Rebuilder." Sure, event sourcing sounds amazing in theory—right up until you're explaining to the CEO why the shopping cart needs six months of refactoring. The real unicorn is someone who's none of these. If you find them, lock the door and hide their passport.