Printers: The True Villain Origin Story

Ah yes, the classic inventor's shortsightedness. Charles Babbage built the first mechanical computer but thought it was just a fancy calculator. Meanwhile, Carl Benz over there invented the automobile but probably figured it was just a horseless carriage for rich people. Both completely missed that they were fundamentally changing civilization. It's like inventing time travel and using it exclusively to make sure your coffee never gets cold. The real genius is often the second person who says "wait a minute..."

The AUDACITY of the universe to dangle my exact mouse model in front of me at 44¢! After I made a BLOOD OATH against Logitech for their unrepairable gadgets! It's like the golden idol from Indiana Jones, but instead of triggering booby traps, it'll trigger my wallet to open despite my dramatic vows of hardware celibacy. The self-control required here is SUPERHUMAN. That shiny mouse is whispering sweet nothings like "I'm practically free" while my trauma screams "BUT FOR HOW LONG BEFORE I BREAK?!"

The AUDACITY of the universe to take my wish so literally! 😭 Our poor Baby Yoda PC gamer makes a completely reasonable wish upon a shooting star for GPU prices to "go down a bit" and what happens? THE STAR ITSELF PLUMMETS! Meanwhile, GPU prices remain stratospherically high, causing our little friend to cry actual tears. The cosmic betrayal! The astronomical disappointment! It's like asking for a raise and your boss hands you an elevator button. DEVASTATING.

The ancient GPU giving a thumbs up like "I'm not dead yet, suckers!" Nothing says tech necromancy like slathering fresh thermal paste on a graphics card old enough to vote. That GPU has survived four U.S. presidencies and still runs Garry's Mod without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, it's googling "lossless scaling" like an elderly person discovering TikTok for the first time. "What's this newfangled technology? Back in my day, we rendered at native resolution and LIKED IT!"

Intel entering the GPU market with a dual-GPU setup is like watching your quiet accountant friend suddenly announce they're becoming a professional skateboarder. The top image shows Intel's Arc B60 dual-GPU with 48GB VRAM—absolute hardware pornography for the tech-obsessed. And that reaction? Pure tech lust. Five hours of uninterrupted staring is actually the minimum recommended viewing time for new hardware. It's the standard unit of measurement for "how badly do I want this thing I absolutely don't need but will convince myself is essential for checking email."

OH. MY. GOD. Someone took "thumb drive" WAY too literally! Instead of using an actual USB flash drive to update their BIOS like a normal human being, this tech rebel just JAMMED THEIR ACTUAL THUMB into the computer port! The audacity! The innovation! The sheer disregard for basic computer anatomy! I'm having heart palpitations just looking at this hardware violation. Next thing you know they'll be "installing more RAM" by shoving a sheep into their PC case. THE HORROR!