Thick Commit

HONEY, YOU CAN'T JUST "GIT ADD" EVERYTHING YOU SEE! The absolute AUDACITY of developers trying to version control compiled files, logs, and compressed archives! Meanwhile, .gitignore is standing there like the responsible adult at the party, desperately trying to save your repo from becoming a 9GB MONSTROSITY. It's the digital equivalent of your mom stopping you from bringing home every single rock you found at the beach. THANK GOD someone's being the voice of reason in this relationship!

The sweet innocent smile of contributing to open source vs. the ABSOLUTE HORROR when you realize intelligence agencies might be lurking in your pull requests! 😱 Your cute little "fixed a typo" commit? CONGRATS, you just helped the CIA, FSB, and Mossad improve their surveillance code! Free and Open Source Software becomes Free and Open Spying Software when the alphabet soup agencies decide your project looks like a PERFECT place to slip in some "extra features." Nothing says "community-driven development" like wondering if that random contributor from nowhere is actually a spy with a government paycheck! TRUST ISSUES ACTIVATED!

Junior devs with unrestricted server access and zero version control knowledge are basically walking disasters with commit privileges. It's like handing a toddler a flamethrower and saying "try not to burn down the data center!" Their confidence is inversely proportional to their Git knowledge, making them the most dangerous entities in the tech ecosystem. One wrong move and suddenly production is running on a single file called "final_version_ACTUALLY_FINAL_v2_USE_THIS_ONE.js"

Code reviewers frantically protecting the codebase from "obvious bugs that will take down prod" while completely ignoring the harmless typo in a comment that someone pointed out. Priorities, right? The tiger (production-breaking bug) is literally stalking in the background while everyone's laser-focused on the innocent bunny (typo). Meanwhile, the actual critical issue is about to pounce and destroy everything. Classic engineering team dynamics where we'll spend 45 minutes debating variable naming conventions while the server is actively on fire.

Ah yes, the famous "GitHub Dictionary" where repositories are just "big chunks of code" and forking is "the term for code editing." And my personal favorite: a pull request is apparently an "e-note" asking for "edit rights." It's like watching your grandparents try to explain what you do for a living after you mentioned it once at Thanksgiving dinner. Next up: "The Hacker Known as Terminal" and "Why Cloud Computing Requires Umbrellas."

The infamous Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux, smiling after one of his legendary rants about code quality, with the caption "Sorry about the rant" - followed by Obi-Wan Kenobi saying "That's... why I'm here." Let's be honest, Linus's brutal code reviews and profanity-laden emails are basically open source's version of appointment television. The man once told NVIDIA "f*** you" with a middle finger on camera. His rants aren't bugs—they're features. We don't attend his talks for the technical insights; we're there for the verbal carnage. The rest of us mere mortals have to be diplomatic about garbage code. Meanwhile, Linus gets to live the dream of saying exactly what every tech lead is thinking when they see nested if statements seven levels deep.