UE5 Is Shit

Back in the day, game devs were out here coding ENTIRE ROLLERCOASTER TYCOONS in Assembly language like absolute psychopaths, fitting shooters into 97KB (yes, KILOBYTES), and somehow making games run on potatoes while also having bodies that could bench press a small car. They were built different, both literally and figuratively. Fast forward to now and we've got AAA studios crying about how they can't fix bugs because someone's allegedly stealing breast milk (?!), shipping 50GB games that require another 50GB day-one patch, telling you to buy a NASA-grade PC just so their unoptimized mess doesn't crash every 5 minutes, and blaming YOU—the player—for their always-online singleplayer game being broken. The devolution is REAL and it's SPECTACULAR in the worst way possible. We went from "I made this masterpiece fit on a floppy disk" to "Sorry, the game is 200GB and still doesn't work, also here's $70 worth of microtransactions." The bar went from the moon straight to the Earth's core.

Oh, nothing screams "professional codebase" quite like opening your source code to the public and having every single comment be an existential crisis wrapped in profanity. Someone named Garry is having a COMPLETE meltdown in the comments, questioning the very fabric of reality with gems like "why the fuck does this exist" and "this is fucking disgusting." Meanwhile, we've got warnings about not storing destroyed instances "for fuck sake," path comparison methods that are apparently a cosmic joke, and buffer sizes set to absolutely unhinged values because, and I quote, "fuck it, let's set these to insane values." The cherry on top? A beautiful Log.Error("Fucked"); followed by a return statement. Not "error occurred" or "operation failed"—just straight up "Fucked." That's the kind of raw, unfiltered honesty you get when developers think their code will never see the light of day. And now it's open-source! The transparency we deserve but definitely didn't ask for. 💀

So Gaben drops $20 million on OpenAI back in 2018, probably thinking "yeah, let's democratize AI or whatever." Fast forward to 2026 and whoops—turns out that investment just made the Steam Machine 2.0 prohibitively expensive because AI hype inflated GPU prices to the moon. Nothing says "unintended consequences" quite like funding the very thing that torpedoes your own hardware launch. The domino effect is real, and Gaben just knocked over the first piece himself. Classic tech industry move: solve one problem, create three more.

Console gamers flexing about GTA 6 running at 60fps while PC master race veterans are over here wondering if their eyes are broken. Going from 120+ fps to 30fps feels like watching a PowerPoint presentation with motion blur. It's not cinematic, it's a slideshow with delusions of grandeur. The best part? Console players genuinely think 60fps is some revolutionary achievement while PC gamers have been spoiled by high refresh rate monitors for years. Once you go 144Hz, you can't go back. Your brain literally refuses to process anything below 60fps as "smooth" anymore. It's like trying to convince someone that dial-up internet is "pretty fast actually."

Game industry recruiters really said "let's ask for the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe worth of experience" and then slapped "Entry Level" on a 4-month contract. Because nothing screams "entry level" like needing to be a bestselling novelist, Unity master, del Toro collaborator, AND having the social skills to lead an acapella group while living within 2.7 miles of their office. The "Nice to Haves" section is particularly chef's kiss—forklift certification and ping pong skills are apparently equivalent qualifications. Also love how they want someone with 12 years of experience in a genre that's existed for 2 years, plus encyclopedic knowledge of a franchise they won't even name. Very reasonable. And after demanding you be a polymath Renaissance person who moonlights as a Twitch streamer with 3,000 subscribers, they'll generously pay you for 4 months before ghosting you. But hey, diverse candidates encouraged! Nothing says "we value diversity" like requirements that would make Leonardo da Vinci feel underqualified. 397 applicants already applied btw. The bar is on the floor, yet somehow also in orbit.

Someone took the original "rate your favorite platform" meme and said "hold up, let me add some reality to this." The progression is chef's kiss: 2008 shows gamers rating platforms based on games, 2012 shows them literally running away from the corporate overlords (that dust cloud is doing some heavy lifting), and by 2021 they've given up entirely and just accepted their fate under Steam's benevolent monopoly while casually roasting the competition. The piracy flag staying consistently in "GREAT" territory across all three years? That's not a bug, that's a feature. The stick figure's accusation of "Why do you have all the customers? Monopoly!" while standing in the BAD zone is the real punchline here—turns out when you're actually good at what you do (regional pricing, refunds, sales, not being Epic), people tend to stick around. Who knew treating customers well was a viable business strategy?