When I've Been Debugging The Same Problem For A Week

The horror movie villain's greatest weakness: corporate IT processes! Even knife-wielding maniacs can't bypass the sacred ticket system. The programmer's terrified face in panel 2 perfectly captures that moment when you realize someone's about to ask you for help via direct message instead of following protocol. And that final panel? Pure developer schadenfreude - watching the villain collapse at the mere mention of "submit a ticket" is basically what happens to any dev's soul when forced to deal with JIRA for the 47th time today. The ultimate developer defense system isn't a firewall - it's bureaucracy.

Content RandyWatson 2y 1 Award You're just using the wrong strategy. When I was a new developer someone taught me the secret. You can't just post the question you want the answer to. That gets you nowhere. Instead, post the code you want fixed with some stupid question. Brag about how awesome your code is and even question why dumb developers don't use the techniques you are employing. The more condescending the better. The way you should phrase your question must incorporate blaming other developers for your problem like, "How do I make my awesome code work with this idiot's shitty excuse for an API that I'm required to use because my boss is a dumb ass Then post your code. Your code will be tuned to perfection by angry devs everywhere. They will explain every piece of it to you likely in the most easy to understand (think condescending) way they can because you're an idiot noob who thinks their code is actually good. This will not be a nice explanation, but will be super clear to make sure you understand what an idiot you are. Plus, you will get every finely tuned code snippet possible to fix your solution. You just have to ignore all the mean shit the devs say to take you down a peg. Ask an honest question as a new developer, expect one of two things to happen: crickets or an insult about how you didn't bother to search for the answer. Reply 1.4K

Nothing says "I'm a real developer" like that tiny cut on your finger from opening a PC case that mysteriously fixes whatever hardware issue you were having. The ancient tech gods demand tribute before granting your computer permission to function again. It's like the computer sees your blood and thinks, "Oh, this human is serious about fixing me. Better start working." Ten years of experience and still sacrificing skin cells to the sharp edges of computer hardware. The real reason IT departments have first aid kits.

Content Yeah, so we have a memory leak 12:13 12:13 well that looks easy to fix at least every tick check the memory when its about to crash, spawn an unkillable boss ez 12:14 player dies before the game crashes 12:15 Sent Via Skype v Als Messages: Off

When a game dev says "manage your expectations" right before launch and then the reviews show 41.18% mostly negative ratings... *sips tea aggressively* It's the classic software development cycle: promise the moon, deliver a rock, then act surprised when users notice the difference. The only thing optimized about this game was the warning that it wouldn't be optimized. Next time just skip the PR talk and put "It's broken, but we have shareholders to please" on the box. At least that would get points for honesty.

The universal developer escape hatch strikes again! Nothing quite captures the cold sweat of a PM meeting like when they ask why the app is crawling like a turtle in molasses, and you're sitting there knowing full well it's probably because you're running it locally with 32GB RAM while production has the computing power of a toaster. The classic "works on my machine" defense is basically the developer equivalent of a kid saying "wasn't me" with chocolate all over their face. At this point, we should just start shipping our laptops to customers instead of code.