postgres Memes

Running Postgres at scale for 800 million users while conveniently forgetting to contribute back to the open-source project that's literally holding your entire infrastructure together? Classic move. PostgreSQL is one of those legendary open-source databases that powers half the internet—from Instagram to Spotify—yet somehow companies rake in billions while the maintainers survive on coffee and GitHub stars. The goose's awkward retreat is basically every tech company when you ask about their open-source contributions. They'll spend $50 million on GPU clusters for their "revolutionary AI chatbot" but can't spare $10k for the database that's been rock-solid since before some of their engineers were born. The PostgreSQL team literally enables trillion-dollar valuations and gets... what, a shoutout in the docs? Fun fact: PostgreSQL doesn't even have a corporate sponsor like MySQL (Oracle) or MongoDB. It's maintained by a volunteer community and the PostgreSQL Global Development Group. So yeah, maybe toss them a few bucks between your next GPU shipment.

Every database migration in a nutshell! First you're screaming at PostgreSQL like it's your mortal enemy, then you reluctantly try it, and suddenly... That magical moment when you discover PostgreSQL isn't just a MySQL replacement—it's a full-blown upgrade with actual vector support, JSON capabilities, and transactions that actually work as intended. The bird's dreamy expression in the last panel perfectly captures that "where have you been all my life?" revelation after suffering through MySQL's limitations for years. The database equivalent of upgrading from a bicycle to a Tesla and wondering how you ever survived before.

When your database administrator is too lazy to type actual column names but has an emoji keyboard shortcut ready to go. This PostgreSQL session is peak chaotic evil energy – creating tables and domains with emojis instead of sensible names. Somewhere, a junior dev is staring at this schema wondering how to write a query joining the 📦 table where 🔴 = 'production_status' without copy-pasting emojis from Slack. Meanwhile, the DBA is probably sipping coffee and thinking "documentation is for the weak." Future maintainers will either quit on the spot or develop a twisted admiration for this absolute madlad who decided conventional naming conventions were just too mainstream.

OMG, the DRAMA of database life choices! 💅 That car is SCREECHING away from MongoDB like it just found out it's been storing data wrong its ENTIRE LIFE! The driver is making the MOST DRAMATIC last-second swerve toward Postgres with its fancy JSONB column type that lets you have document-style storage WITHOUT committing to a full-blown NoSQL relationship. It's basically saying "Why settle for MongoDB when Postgres can give you structured data AND flexible JSON documents in the SAME DATABASE?!" Honestly, the betrayal, the AUDACITY of Postgres to be so versatile! *flips table*

Ah, the eternal throne room of data storage, where CSV sits as the reluctant monarch. While Postgres kneels before the throne with actual database capabilities, Excel and HyperCard stand guard like knights who peaked in high school. Meanwhile, Google Sheets, Access, and Airtable huddle on the floor like peasants who think they'll someday be invited to dinner. The real joke? We all complain about CSV's lack of typing, relations, and basic sanity checks, yet it's outlived every "proper" database solution we've thrown at it. It's the cockroach of data formats - nuclear war wouldn't kill it, just create more variants with inconsistent delimiters.

Google's reaction when you type "anal" vs "analyze table postgres" is the perfect representation of developer life. That moment when you're frantically typing technical queries at work and stop mid-word... The sheer panic as you realize what autocomplete might suggest to your coworkers walking by. We've all been there—frantically backspacing before someone notices, praying to the demo gods that your screen isn't being shared. Database administration has never been so... risky.

Content Why buy more RAM when you can just add another swap file? 166.0 211 47.3 Mem SwpI 31111158.9 6CIl 45.0 91111166.5 4111111160.1 7C 43.3 14.8 63.2 811 47.1 11111 38.8 011111101111111111111153.8662. 7G 511G1021G PID USER 3921466 postgres 2678 user PRI NI VIRT RES SHR S CPU MEM TIME Command 30 10 862G 18.7G 29388 R 97.8 29.2 72h32:35 postgres 20 0 6857M 319M 156M S 0.0 0.5 3h09:38 usrbin, FiHelp F2Setup F3SearchFUFilterF5Tree F6SortByFTNice -FNice F9Kill NAME TYPE devsda3 swapfile file swapfile2 file SIZE USED PRIO partition 321.4G 321.4G -2 400G 142.4G -3 300G -4 My SQL query has been running for over 80 hours and I am not letting the OOM killer reap it after all this time.