Agile Memes

Posts tagged with Agile

The PM's Guide To Imaginary Math
Agile Devops Programming
2 days ago 102.7K views 0 shares
The PM's Guide To Imaginary Math
Ah, the mythical linear scaling of development teams! The PM hears "one dev = one month" and brilliantly concludes "ten devs = three days!" Because clearly, software development works exactly like assembling furniture—just throw more people at it! What the PM doesn't realize is that those 10 devs will spend 2.9 days in meetings discussing how to split the work, setting up version control, and explaining to each other why their approach is superior. The remaining 0.1 days is actual coding. Brooks' Law sends its regards from 1975. Spoiler alert: adding more developers to a late project makes it later.

The Four Horsemen Of Product Development
Programming Agile Frontend Backend
4 days ago 120.1K views 0 shares
The Four Horsemen Of Product Development
Ah, the software development hierarchy in its natural habitat! While product owners dream of the future, designers make things pretty, and managers obsess over deadlines, developers are out here performing dark rituals with 1s and 0s like some kind of code necromancers. That last panel is painfully accurate. Nothing says "typical Tuesday" like transforming business requirements into working code while having an existential crisis about OKRs and KPIs. Meanwhile, everyone else's job descriptions fit in a cute little bubble. And that tiny "Don't worry, they're always like that" at the bottom? Chef's kiss. Because yes, we are always like that - turning caffeine into code while contemplating the void. It's not a phase, it's a lifestyle.

Daily Scrum: Where Time Goes To Die
Agile Programming
4 days ago 119.5K views 0 shares
Daily Scrum: Where Time Goes To Die
Ah, the mythical Scrum Master – that person who schedules 15-minute standups that somehow last 45 minutes. Patrick proudly announces he's a Scrum Master, only for Squidward to brutally expose the truth: it's just a fancy title for someone who's terrified of working alone. The real punchline? "No meetings today" is apparently so horrifying it requires intervention. Heaven forbid we actually write code instead of discussing what we're going to code tomorrow! If your team celebrates canceled meetings more than completed sprints, this one's for you.

The Dreaded Afternoon Standup Trap
Agile Programming
5 days ago 138.0K views 0 shares
The Dreaded Afternoon Standup Trap
That face when your brain has been context-switching all day between 17 different tasks, and then someone moves the standup to 4PM. Now you're stuck in that weird limbo where starting anything new feels pointless because "the meeting is coming," but it's still hours away. Just sitting there, refreshing Slack, pretending to work while your productivity slowly evaporates into the void. The cherry on top? You'll definitely forget what you actually did today when it's your turn to speak.

Breaking News: Parrot Gets Promoted To Project Manager
Agile Programming
9 days ago 179.9K views 0 shares
Breaking News: Parrot Gets Promoted To Project Manager
Turns out the bar for project management is so low you could trip over it while looking for your missing semicolon. Just mindlessly repeat "How's the project going?" every few days and congratulations—you've mastered 90% of the job description. The other 10% is creating Gantt charts nobody will ever look at and scheduling meetings that could've been Slack messages. Meanwhile, developers are over here solving actual problems while the parrot—I mean PM—gets all the credit for "driving the initiative forward." But hey, at least the parrot looks good in that graduation cap.

Scrum In A Nutshell: Work Hard Get Nothing
Agile Devops Programming
10 days ago 182.0K views 0 shares
Scrum In A Nutshell: Work Hard Get Nothing
That's not a hamster wheel, it's a developer wheel. Sprint 385 and still running on empty promises. The poor LEGO dev thinking "just one more story point and I'll get that promotion" while management watches with that smile that says "keep running, we've got shareholders to please." Seven years in and I'm still waiting for that mythical 20% time to work on technical debt. Meanwhile, the Agility cards scattered around are just decoration for the investor tour.

Stand Up Means Urgent Bathroom Visit
Agile Programming
11 days ago 138.3K views 0 shares
Stand Up Means Urgent Bathroom Visit
Nothing triggers your bowels quite like the phrase "stand-up is starting." Your body, previously content with coding for hours, suddenly realizes it's about to be trapped in a meeting where you'll have to explain why that "quick fix" is taking three days. The cosmic timing of your digestive system is truly remarkable—it waits precisely until the Slack notification pings to remind you that nature's call is non-negotiable and definitely not something you can "circle back to later."

Stay Out Of My Territory
Frontend Webdev Agile React Programming
11 days ago 147.6K views 0 shares
Stay Out Of My Territory
The eternal territorial battle of the codebase has claimed another victim! Some ambitious "full-stack" dev thought they could just waltz in and grab a juicy frontend feature from the backlog without consulting the frontend tribe first. Classic rookie mistake. Meanwhile, the senior frontend dev—guardian of the CSS sacred lands and protector of the React realm—isn't having any of it. They've already passive-aggressively reassigned that JIRA ticket faster than you can say "npm install". The software manager watches in horror as another sprint planning devolves into a Breaking Bad-style turf war. Spoiler alert: nobody touches the frontend code without paying the React tax first!

What Was That Last-Minute Question
Agile Programming Databases
12 days ago 194.3K views 0 shares
What Was That Last-Minute Question
That moment of pure existential dread when freedom was within reach, but Dave from QA just had to bring up "one quick thing" about the database schema. Now you're trapped for another 45 minutes while everyone rehashes the entire sprint planning meeting you already had on Tuesday. Your weekend plans slowly dissolving before your eyes as someone unmutes just to say "sorry, I was on mute."

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The Last 10 Percent Of 100 Percent
Programming Agile Debugging
15 days ago 113.7K views 0 shares
The Last 10 Percent Of 100 Percent
The AUDACITY of developer time estimates! 💅 First we're all rainbow-haired confidence: "EOD? EASY PEASY!" Then reality slaps us with clown makeup as our estimates spiral from "just a week" to "umm, two weeks?" until finally we're standing there bare-faced, dead inside, admitting "this monstrosity needs TWO MONTHS." The makeup removal process is basically just our souls leaving our bodies with each passing deadline. It's the software development circle of life - start as a unicorn, end as a corpse. Hofstadter's Law in full technicolor glory!

The Software Development Reality Cycle
Agile Devops Programming Debugging Testing
15 days ago 170.8K views 0 shares
The Software Development Reality Cycle
The brutal reality of software development in nine frames! Starting with the luxurious mansion as the "Project Goal" (what the client wants), we quickly downgrade to a tent as the "MVP" (just enough to function). The beta version? A garden shed with windows—technically a structure! Post-beta improves slightly to a basic shed, while "Production Release" is just a half-built house with exposed blocks. Marketing somehow presents it as a mansion with a swimming pool (classic marketing move). Then come the version updates: v2.0 and v3.0 are just identical suburban houses with different paint jobs. Meanwhile, "What Users Did" with your software? They turned it upside down and painted it orange. Feature request or bug report? You decide!

License To Disappoint: 007 Sprint Edition
Agile Devops Git Programming
18 days ago 182.0K views 0 shares
License To Disappoint: 007 Sprint Edition
DARLING, I'm not just a developer, I'm a PROFESSIONAL PROCRASTINATOR with a LICENSE TO DISAPPOINT! 💅 Zero commits? Zero closed PRs? But SEVEN open user stories after the sprint?! The name's Bond. Unproductive Bond. My superpower is making it look like I'm working while accomplishing absolutely NOTHING. My sprint velocity is so negative it's breaking the laws of physics! Management still thinks I'm some kind of coding superhero when in reality I'm just playing Minesweeper in a terminal window. THE AUDACITY! THE DRAMA! THE COMPLETE LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY!