We Have All Used It At Least Once

The transformation your face undergoes after coding in different languages is apparently a scientific fact now. C++ turns you into a sleep-deprived wreck because memory management is basically self-torture. JavaScript makes you look like you've seen things that can't be unseen—probably undefined is not a function at 3 AM. Java gives you that corporate drone glow-up where you're simultaneously dead inside but professionally presentable. And then there's Python... making developers look suspiciously happy, like they actually had time to shower and sleep because they wrote in 10 lines what took others 200. Choose your programming language, choose your mugshot.

The AUDACITY of npm! You literally just typed npm init and suddenly your pristine, innocent, COMPLETELY EMPTY project is RIDDLED with 17 vulnerabilities?! THE DRAMA! It's like buying a brand new car and immediately getting a notification that your non-existent engine is about to explode. Thanks npm, for giving me trust issues before I've even written a single line of code! The smug cat face is literally all of us trying to smile through the pain while our dependency hell begins before the project even exists. 💀

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The absolute TRAUMA of having to explain JavaScript Promises to another human being! This poor developer would literally rather face a firing squad than attempt to articulate the hellscape of asynchronous programming. "Don't shoot! I am JS Developer" he pleads, but when asked to explain Promises? "SHOOT." The desperation! The drama! The absolute surrender to sweet, sweet death rather than explaining why your callback hell needed to be replaced with .then() chains that somehow became even MORE confusing! At least with death you only suffer once - explaining Promises is eternal suffering!

The tech world's most reliable constant isn't Moore's Law—it's our ability to prematurely declare PHP dead while it quietly powers half the internet. From ColdFusion (1995) to ASP.NET (2002) to Ruby on Rails (2004) to Django (2006) to NextJS (2018), we've spent three decades confidently announcing PHP's funeral while writing our revolutionary frameworks that will "definitely replace it this time." Yet here we are in 2025, celebrating PHP's 30th birthday. The language that refuses to die despite our best efforts. It's like that coworker who keeps surviving layoffs despite doing everything in Comic Sans.