The Single Player Enjoyer

The enlightened path of the solo gamer who spends ridiculous amounts of money on hardware just to play decade-old games in glorious isolation. This is peak gaming evolution—spending $3000 on a setup that could launch satellites but instead runs Skyrim for the 47th playthrough.

The true galaxy brain move: avoiding the psychological warfare of MOBAs where teenagers question your existence, intelligence, and family lineage in creative ways that would impress Shakespeare. Instead, our hero hunts for meaningless digital trophies while sitting in a chair that costs more than some people's monthly rent.

And the Steam sale bargain? That's just the cherry on top of financial irresponsibility—buying 27 games for $4.99 that will sit untouched in your library until the heat death of the universe.