Relateable

Content ?php header ("Content-type: texthtml; charsetutf-8"); This is a warning to any poor soul who may have to deal with this code. I took over this criminal piece of chaos from a monkey named Joel who I assume had been given a typewriter by Mephistopheles himself. For reasons I have yet been unable to fathom, he decided to patch together this thing using a BaseX setup hardwired into an unfixably broken Manjaro VM, queried by a handwritten plate of uncommented PH spaghetti fit to feed an army of people with a serious death wish, without any framework or CMS. The very long BaseX script, very long PH presenter and very long XSLT stylesheet mostly perform the same heuristic document structuring for different components and are supposed to produce compatible results, but I bet they have mismatches somewhere. Since Prof. T just wanted a few small functional enhancements, I decided to just patch it and keep the general setup. Unless you were hired to correct some spelling mistakes, DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY STEPS. Putting up with this simulation of how a goldfish would design a system has literally given me CLINICAL DEPRESSION. This is not an exaggeration, I am writing this after a prolonged medical therapy - mostly successful, thanks for asking, but not fun. I wouldn't wish this code on anybody who isn't a manager at Oracle or Facebook, and therefore give you this sincere advice: Nuke this. Take the XSLT if you must, and then nuke the app and recreate it in Django or whatever works for you. I would do it myself, but I risked a relapse simply by opening this file again to write this comment. Dear brother or sister, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and hope it will be enough. Farewell. error reporting (E ALL); ini set ("display errors", true); print '?xmi version"1.o" encoding"UTFg" 7'

Content We develop a program for our clients Our clients have no choice but to pay us extra to fix the bugs It is according to the requirements but has lots of bugs Our clients have no choice but to pay us extra to fix the bugs

Content WHAT DO WE SAY TO BUG REPORTERS? UNABLE TO REPRODUCE, CLOSING THE BUG.

Content When non-nerds try to act nerdy but the nerds are homies: 01001000 01000101 0 10 0 10 0 01001100 01001111 JUST TRIED TOSAY HELLO INCOMPUTERLANGUAGE

The sweet irony of sipping coffee while scrolling through memes about broken builds, merge conflicts, and documentation that doesn't exist. Nothing quite like that warm feeling of recognition when you see a joke about the exact bug that made you miss dinner last night. We're all just sitting here, nodding along to jokes about our collective trauma, pretending it's therapy. "Haha, that's exactly how my sprint planning went yesterday!" *takes long sip* *stares into the void*

Spotify Wrapped, but for developers' existential crises. The four horsemen of development reality: fixing bugs that spawn more bugs, spending 23.6 hours automating a 5.4-hour task, denying your code is the problem (narrator: it was), and watching six hours of tutorials only to find the solution in some random blog comment from 2011. The metrics don't lie, but they do hurt.