Garbage In, Garbage Out: The GitHub Roast

Congratulations! You've just launched a security breach disguised as an AI startup! The "yellow line" isn't a bug—it's your IDE screaming in terror because you've hardcoded API keys directly in your source code. Nothing says "professional developer" like publishing your AWS, Supabase, OpenAI, and custom API credentials to the entire internet. Those aren't just strings—they're golden tickets to your infrastructure that now belong to everyone with an internet connection. Pro tip: when speedrunning bankruptcy, this is definitely the optimal strategy!

Oh snap! The AI bubble just got popped harder than my dreams of writing bug-free code on the first try! 🎯 After years of hype cycles and buzzword bingo, we've reached that beautiful moment of clarity where someone finally said the quiet part out loud. All those fancy "AI solutions" your boss keeps pushing? Just regular algorithms wearing expensive suits and practicing elevator pitches! It's like when you rename your "if-else" function to "DecisionIntelligenceEngine™" and suddenly your startup is worth $10 million. Pure magic! ✨

Ah, the ultimate job security plan! Turns out the one person AI won't replace is the colleague who contributes absolutely nothing. That sweet spot where you're so useless that even automation can't justify the ROI of replacing you. It's like finding a bug so bizarre that QA just labels it as "expected behavior" and moves on. The perfect defense against technological unemployment isn't upskilling—it's strategic incompetence!

The irony is thicker than legacy code documentation. OpenAI, with its cute little whale logo, has become increasingly closed-source while still parading around with "Open" in its name. It's like naming your password database "Totally_Not_Passwords.txt" and expecting nobody to notice. The "ClosedAI" rebrand is just calling a spade a spade – or in this case, calling proprietary code exactly what it is. Next up: Microsoft renames to "We_Definitely_Need_More_RAM_Inc."

When you ask Copilot for help with a simple function and it decides to become an X-rated tutorial instead. This is what happens when AI trains on all of GitHub's repositories, including the questionable ones. That moment when you realize your pair programming partner has been spending way too much time on the wrong kind of "documentation." Just imagine explaining this code review to HR. And they say AI won't replace programmers? It's already replacing adult content creators!

OH SWEET MOTHER OF LEGACY CODE! On one side, IBM is using AI to translate ancient COBOL spells into modern Java incantations. On the other, some government agency named DOGE (not the meme, sadly) wants to rewrite MILLIONS of lines of Social Security code in MONTHS?! 😱 This is like watching two different approaches to defusing a nuclear bomb - one careful robot surgeon vs. a toddler with safety scissors and a "can-do" attitude. The entire financial future of American retirees hanging in the balance because someone thought "Hey, let's just YOLO this 60-year-old codebase real quick!" I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it! For the uninitiated: COBOL is that programming language your grandpa used that refuses to die because it runs basically EVERYTHING important - banks, airlines, and yes, your social security checks. It's the digital equivalent of those load-bearing walls you definitely shouldn't knock down during your weekend renovation project.