The GPU Wars: A Star Wars Story

Taking "Go & play outside" literally by dragging your entire gaming rig to a field is peak programmer malicious compliance. Technically correct—the best kind of correct! Sure, you're getting vitamin D, but you're still grinding that MMO while grasshoppers become your new debugging partners. The lengths we'll go to just to avoid touching grass in the metaphorical sense...

Fixing a CPU with bent pins? Annoying but doable with a mechanical pencil and steady hands. Fixing a motherboard with bent socket pins? That's just masochism with extra steps. It's like choosing between defusing a bomb and defusing a smaller bomb that's inside another bomb. At least with PGA (Pin Grid Array), you can see what you're fixing without needing microscopic vision and the steady hands of a neurosurgeon.

The ultimate bloatware assassin: hire one dev with a potato laptop and rural internet as your team's performance gatekeeper! 🥔💻 Imagine trying to explain why your fancy ray-tracing feature won't load on their ancient 2GB RAM machine while they're legally permitted to roast you into oblivion. "But it works on MY machine" won't save you from their dial-up-powered wrath! It's like having a performance budget enforcer with actual consequences. Add unnecessary bloat? Face the ancient laptop tribunal and pray for mercy. The dream solution for a world drowning in electron apps that somehow need 16GB RAM to display "Hello World"!

Someone's waging war against the entire IT industry standards with this unholy abomination. The color-coding on cables and ports? Just a conspiracy by Big Cable to sell more wires! That yellow cable jammed into what's clearly not its matching port is the digital equivalent of putting pineapple on pizza. The blue tape-wrapped wires crammed into random pins would make any network engineer develop an eye twitch. Next up: "Firewalls are just a myth created by antivirus companies" and "Have you tried connecting your HDMI to the toilet? Works fine for me!"

Guy wakes up from a decade-long coma excited about his "powerful" 8GB graphics card, completely unaware that GPU prices have gone full circle. In 2013, an 8GB card was high-end. Then came the crypto mining apocalypse, scalpers, and chip shortages that made buying any GPU require a second mortgage. Now he's about to discover his ancient dream card costs more than it did when he went under. The circle of GPU life continues.

Ah yes, the good old Weimar Republic approach to RAM pricing. At the rate we're going, you'll need a wheelbarrow full of cash just to afford 32GB of DDR6. Chrome alone will probably require 64GB minimum by then, and that's just for keeping two tabs open. The hardware manufacturers have figured out the perfect business model: make software bloat faster than Moore's Law can keep up, then charge exponentially more for the privilege of running Electron apps that could've been websites. Your wallet is already crying and 2026 hasn't even arrived yet.