Take A Seat, Young Developer

So someone's offering you $5 million to get yourself fired in 48 hours, but plot twist: you can't quit and you can't do anything obviously terrible enough to get the boot. What's a desperate developer to do? Easy. Just casually drop a git push origin master straight to production without a care in the world. No pull requests, no code reviews, no testing, no mercy. Just pure, unfiltered chaos pushed directly to the main branch like some kind of digital arsonist. Watch as the entire infrastructure crumbles, the CI/CD pipeline screams in terror, and your DevOps team collectively has a meltdown. You'll be escorted out by security before you can say "but it worked on my machine!" Honestly, this is the nuclear option of career sabotage, and it's absolutely diabolical.

The most satisfying commit message you'll ever write: "Deleted 2,000 lines of legacy code." Somehow removing code feels more productive than writing it. The real 10x developers aren't the ones cranking out features—they're the ones brave enough to hit delete on that monstrosity everyone's been afraid to touch since 2017. Negative lines of code should be on your performance review.

Trying to delete a branch with git branch -d only to get that passive-aggressive "not fully merged" error is like Git saying "I'm protecting you from yourself." So what do we do? Yell at Git and use the capital -D flag because WE'RE THE BOSS HERE. Git's safety mechanisms are cute until you've spent 8 hours debugging merge conflicts and just want that feature branch gone from your life forever.

Ah, the classic bait-and-switch of programming education! Kids think they're entering a magical world of creativity with drag-and-drop blocks and cute animations, only to discover their future involves staring at terminal windows for hours debugging merge conflicts. It's like expecting to become a chef by playing cooking games, then discovering real kitchens involve mostly dishwashing and knife sharpening. The gap between Scratch/educational programming and "rm -rf node_modules && npm install" is the greatest plot twist in tech careers.

Oh, the BETRAYAL! There I was, battling code demons for HOURS, sweating through trial and error like I'm diffusing a nuclear bomb, only to finally surrender and open the README—which OBVIOUSLY contained the solution in the first paragraph all along! The sheer AUDACITY of documentation to be useful AFTER I've sacrificed my sanity! Next time I'll just dramatically stare at the README first with the same dead-inside expression instead of pretending I'm too good for instructions. My kingdom for reading documentation BEFORE writing 47 Stack Overflow questions!

Getting 1,000 Instagram followers? Cool, whatever. 100 Twitter followers? Meh, decent. 5 Reddit followers? Now we're talking—you're basically a celebrity because who even follows people on Reddit? But ONE GitHub follower? *Chef's kiss* You've ascended to godhood. Someone looked at your spaghetti code, your half-finished projects, and your README that just says "TODO," and thought, "Yes, I need MORE of this in my life." That's not just validation, that's a spiritual awakening. Move over influencers, we've got a developer who someone actually wants to stalk... I mean, follow... for their code commits.