My Job Is Done

Reddit programming subs in a nutshell: GitHub Copilot adding over a million lines of code while removing just 332. Then there's the "vibe coders" adding 153K lines but deleting 9K. This is the digital equivalent of that coworker who writes 500 lines to do what could be done in 10. Sure, the git stats look impressive, but someone's gonna have to maintain that monstrosity after they move on to their next "10x developer" gig. The real heroes are the ones who commit -5000 lines that make everything run twice as fast. But they don't get Reddit karma, do they?

THE AUDACITY! Just when you're about to push that LIFE-CHANGING commit to save humanity, GitHub's rainbow unicorn of doom appears! 🦄 There you are, frantically refreshing like it'll magically fix itself, as if the unicorn will gallop away if you click hard enough. And that "contact us if the problem persists" suggestion? PLEASE! As if we're not going to try refreshing 47 more times before even CONSIDERING that option! The unicorn might as well be saying "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" while sipping tea and judging your life choices. Meanwhile, your deadline approaches and your will to live decreases with every rainbow-colored second!

The Reddit algorithm has commitment issues worse than those wedding day deserters. You're scrolling through a thread about people abandoning their partners at the altar, and BAM—suddenly you're being pitched a GitHub issue processor for AI coding that costs less than a gumball. It's like the algorithm saw a thread about relationship abandonment and thought, "You know what this person needs? Some cheap API calls!" The digital equivalent of responding to someone's breakup story with "That's rough buddy, wanna see my new keyboard shortcuts?"

Rewrote the entire codebase but called it "minor changes" in the commit message? Absolute chad move. Nothing says "I fear no code review" like casually pushing 4000 lines of changes directly to main with that description. The person who has to review this PR is probably contemplating a career change right now. It's the programming equivalent of renovating an entire house and telling your spouse you "just moved a few things around."

The senior developer's villain origin story, captured in 4K. Facebook's infamous motto "Move Fast and Break Things" might sound inspirational on a Silicon Valley conference stage, but try saying that to someone who just spent 72 hours fixing production after your "innovative" commit bypassed code review. That look of pure contempt is what happens when you've lived through enough deployments to know that "moving fast" is just code for "technical debt we'll deal with never." The pistol whipping is merely a formality at this point.

Regular ghosts? Pfft, not scary. But pushing untested code to production on Friday afternoon? PURE TERROR. Nothing says "I've chosen violence today" quite like deploying right before the weekend. The developer's screaming face perfectly captures that moment when you realize your weekend plans just transformed into "debugging mysterious errors while your PM sends increasingly concerned texts." Pro tip: the only thing that should get pushed on Friday is your office chair... back under your desk as you leave at 2pm.