Scrum In Name Only

Adding more project managers and consultants to a sinking project is like adding more people to the top deck of a sinking boat. "Why aren't we moving faster?" asks the clueless executive as the poor dev in the water desperately tries to paddle. Classic corporate solution: throw more management at the problem while the actual workforce drowns. The Brooks' Law special – adding more people to a late project just makes it later. But hey, at least there's plenty of people to document the failure in a retrospective PowerPoint!

Ah, the classic "10-minute standup" that derails your entire morning. The first panel shows the innocent yellow bus of planned meeting time, but then some manager asks about weekend plans and BAM—your precious coding time gets obliterated like that bus getting demolished by the train. What was supposed to be a quick sync turns into a 45-minute discussion about Bob's fishing trip and Sarah's new sourdough starter. Meanwhile, your deployment deadline inches closer and your coffee gets colder. The sprint isn't the only thing that's being derailed here.

Oh. My. God. The AUDACITY! Someone just casually announced they're abandoning Git for... EXCEL?! 💀 That face in the bottom panel is literally every developer's soul leaving their body. It's the universal "did I just hear what I think I heard?" expression when someone suggests replacing a sophisticated version control system with spreadsheet hell. Next up: "We're replacing our database with Post-it notes for better visualization" or "Let's code in crayon because the colors are prettier!" I simply cannot with this level of tech blasphemy!

Atlassian just solved all our problems by renaming "Issue" to "Work Item" in Jira! Because clearly what's been holding back our sprint velocity isn't technical debt or unrealistic deadlines—it's terminology . Next sprint they'll rename "bugs" to "unexpected features" and our code will magically fix itself! Meanwhile, developers everywhere are updating their résumés to include "Work Item Resolution Specialist" instead of "Issue Fixer." That'll definitely boost our market value by at least 0.00001%.

The Project Manager is literally taking bullets for the team while developers peacefully sleep through the chaos. That brave PM is intercepting all those client complaints and feature requests with their own body, getting absolutely shredded in the process. Meanwhile, devs are in blissful REM sleep, completely unaware that their inbox would be a war zone without that human shield in green camo. The PM doesn't even get hazard pay for this level of client-facing carnage!

Poor intern just discovered the eternal punishment that is documentation. That look of betrayal when you realize writing docs isn't a one-off task but a never-ending nightmare that will haunt your entire career. The innocence is gone. The rage is building. Welcome to software development, kid—where code is temporary but documentation is forever. And somehow always outdated anyway.