Query optimization Memes

Posts tagged with Query optimization

Write Your Own SQL Or Draw 25

Write Your Own SQL Or Draw 25
Backend developers faced with the choice between writing custom SQL queries or using an ORM that generates 25 unnecessary joins? *Grabs entire deck* After 5 years of optimizing database performance, you learn that sometimes it's easier to just write the damn query yourself than debug why your fancy framework is pulling 200MB of data for what should be a simple lookup.

Select All... And Watch Your DBA Cry

Select All... And Watch Your DBA Cry
Oh. My. God. The DRAMA between DBAs and developers is sending me! 💀 Developer: "I'll just grab EVERYTHING with SELECT * and sort it out later!" DBA: *literally PUSHING the developer toward a cliff* "SPECIFIC COLUMNS ONLY YOU MONSTER!!!" And this, children, is why your database queries take 8 years to run. The SELECT * wildcard is basically asking the database to hand over its entire life story when all you needed was its name and phone number. Performance? Never heard of her!

The Great Database Massacre

The Great Database Massacre
Who needs the LIMIT clause when you can just nuke 98.8% of your production data? That smug face is the perfect embodiment of a junior dev who just discovered DELETE FROM but hasn't yet discovered WHERE ROWNUM <= 500 . Meanwhile, the database admin is probably having heart palpitations in the next room. The best part? Those remaining 500 rows are probably corrupted by cascading deletes anyway!

Poorly Optimized SQL: The Empty Promise

Poorly Optimized SQL: The Empty Promise
That crushing moment of defeat when your SQL masterpiece—a sprawling labyrinth of JOINs and subqueries that took half your day to craft—finally executes without errors... only to mockingly return an empty result set. The database equivalent of applauding your own funeral. The player's face-down position perfectly captures that special kind of developer despair where you're not even angry anymore—just disappointed in yourself, the database, and possibly the entire concept of relational data.