Query optimization Memes

Posts tagged with Query optimization

The Pigeon Acquisition Algorithm
Programming Algorithms Debugging Testing
18 days ago 143.4K views 0 shares
The Pigeon Acquisition Algorithm
The true recursive algorithm of crime! First, query the legality of pigeon acquisition from public spaces. Three weeks later, follow up with the practical applications for your newly acquired flock of 237 birds. This is basically how software engineers approach problems—first establish if something is technically possible, then immediately scale it to absurd proportions without considering the ethical implications. It's like writing a function without input validation and then wondering why your server crashed. The real question: did he use MapReduce to organize all those pigeons?

Write Your Own SQL Or Draw 25
Backend Programming Debugging Databases
3 months ago 194.4K views 0 shares
Write Your Own SQL Or Draw 25
Backend developers faced with the choice between writing custom SQL queries or using an ORM that generates 25 unnecessary joins? *Grabs entire deck* After 5 years of optimizing database performance, you learn that sometimes it's easier to just write the damn query yourself than debug why your fancy framework is pulling 200MB of data for what should be a simple lookup.

Select All... And Watch Your DBA Cry
Databases Programming Debugging Backend
4 months ago 125.0K views 0 shares
Select All... And Watch Your DBA Cry
Oh. My. God. The DRAMA between DBAs and developers is sending me! 💀 Developer: "I'll just grab EVERYTHING with SELECT * and sort it out later!" DBA: *literally PUSHING the developer toward a cliff* "SPECIFIC COLUMNS ONLY YOU MONSTER!!!" And this, children, is why your database queries take 8 years to run. The SELECT * wildcard is basically asking the database to hand over its entire life story when all you needed was its name and phone number. Performance? Never heard of her!

The Great Database Massacre
Databases Programming Debugging
4 months ago 139.9K views 0 shares
The Great Database Massacre
Who needs the LIMIT clause when you can just nuke 98.8% of your production data? That smug face is the perfect embodiment of a junior dev who just discovered DELETE FROM but hasn't yet discovered WHERE ROWNUM <= 500 . Meanwhile, the database admin is probably having heart palpitations in the next room. The best part? Those remaining 500 rows are probably corrupted by cascading deletes anyway!

Poorly Optimized SQL: The Empty Promise
Databases Programming Debugging Testing Backend
5 months ago 145.6K views 0 shares
Poorly Optimized SQL: The Empty Promise
That crushing moment of defeat when your SQL masterpiece—a sprawling labyrinth of JOINs and subqueries that took half your day to craft—finally executes without errors... only to mockingly return an empty result set. The database equivalent of applauding your own funeral. The player's face-down position perfectly captures that special kind of developer despair where you're not even angry anymore—just disappointed in yourself, the database, and possibly the entire concept of relational data.